I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to live a double life, like my spiritual life and the friends that associate with that will not mesh with my friends from back home. I'm incredibly blessed to have made so many God-loving friends this year but at the same time I feel like I have to censor myself around most of them. Like if I drop a swear word they'll no longer accept me. Like if I have one drink when I'm out with my other friends that they'll look down upon me if they found out. Like the fact that secular music is my love in life is something I should be ashamed of, and that I'm a lesser Christian because I don't listen to only Christian music. The problem with this is that it isn't at all true; though I've grown up loving Jesus, I've been brainwashed by the world around me that Christians are all judgmental beings that just want to see others fail to make themselves look better. But what Jesus preaches is quite the opposite! I've never actually met a Christian like this, I just have this preconceived notion that I'm destined for failure with every action. Around my old friends, I feel like I have to hide the fact that my faith is growing because they don't share my beliefs, even though a majority of my friends (spare one or two) would never speak badly about what I think, and would (and have) carry on an intelligent conversation about it. All this hiding is wearing me out, especially when Jesus, the only one who really matters, already knows every part of me anyway. I can't be two people on the outside anymore. So, it ends now. I'm just one Jesus-loving, Beatles-obsessed 19-year-old with incredibly lofty dreams of love and travel, struggling to figure out what the Lord wants her to do. So what if Tropic Thunder is my favorite movie? That's not very Christian or even very girl-y of me. So what if one of my favorite albums drops a couple f-bombs? No one is perfect, me included. But that's what makes Him so awesome - He loves me anyway.